It's a fear like nothing I've ever experienced before. I am aware of the fact that it is beyond rational. That an individuals fear usually does not make sense to the majority. Walking in to this office, up the long stairway, knowing I was approaching a door that would cause me a small heart attack did not stop me for going. The pain and discomfort of a life I've been living for years kept me going.  Yet walking in did cause me a slight head rush that required putting my head between my knees and a lot of self control to stop the vomiting that was threatening to over ride. I paced, I sat, I cried, paced some more, and then they called my name. Being led back caused more of the passing out feeling. The sweet girl talked to me, even though most of what I said was probably masked by my inability to speak and the sobbing I was currently doing, as I explained why I was there. She told me the doc would be with me soon and that it would be ok. I began the pacing, the crying, the moment of "oh my goodness I am going to pass out" practice again. Dr Koch came in and after talking to him and attempting to let him even look in my mouth, reality came in to focus. My fear is such that no one can get a good assessment of what I need to be on the road to wellness. The hope is to find a specialist that can put me out, look, and begin to repair the years of damage that has been done to my teeth and mouth.

Let me paint you a visual. I remember clearly the last time I bit in to anything. We had a family get together at our favorite place in Clayton almost 3 years ago. I made sandwiches for my crew from those yummy onion rolls from the deli.  About the third time I bit in to mine, carefully as I already was struggling, the dough got stuck in the build up of tarter on my bottom teeth. It pulled a chunk of tarter loose and immediately I panicked. I thought I had lost a tooth. I almost passed out there, on a picnic bench in the forest in my pretty spring dress. I made it to the bathrooms and built up the nerve to look in the mirror...no teeth gone. That didn't stop the waves of dizziness nor nausea but it helped a bit. I have not eaten anything since that day that required biting. Everything I eat is mush, essentially. There are days in a row that I don't eat at all...some where I barely drink due to not being able to swallow. I recently went 6 days with only a scrambled egg for food due to such discomfort. That is what led me to walk in to Dr Koch's office. The rest...well, we will see.

The visit with the dentist was on Monday March 26th. It took a full week to find a specialist who would take my case. I have a fear so great that I require complete sedation to clean up the years worth of tarter build up on the bottom of my mouth. However a complete exam can't be done with me awake due to the fainting, near vomiting, crying, and refusal to let anyone touch my mouth that occurs when I walk into the exam room. I went for my consult with Dr DeAngelo on Wednesday April 1st and Angela was able to be there with me...mostly to hold my hand but also to make sure I didn't chicken out. It was a really good experience. I met Connie who is one of his assistants and she made it as smooth as possible. When Dr DeAngelo realized that me sitting in the dental chair was beyond what I could handle, he let Angela sit there and they got me a visitors chair. He talked to me and even looked at my mouth all from a regular chair by the window. That is compassion and understanding in my opinion. We made decisions and planned what needs to happen for me to manage. Connie called me yesterday and the date is set for April 27th, which is three weeks away. I'm not sure how I'm going to hold on for three weeks. I keep reminding myself that I've made it over three years like this but the last two weeks have been miserable. I have no pain...narcotics won't help though they have been offered. What I have is build up so severe that I can't move my tongue to swallow, talk, and chewing is impossible now. I've been using homemade smoothies but that is getting old already. The problem is any nutritional supplement I can find not only has a ridiculous sugar content (borderline diabetic and required to watch my sugar intake) and they all contain milk product (lactose intolerant). I'm tired more than anything. If I cough or sneeze, everything in my mouth shifts around. I took a round of antibiotics which didn't help much but caused several other issues! Dr DeAngelo said more antibiotics will be given after they do the procedure but giving them before may make it harder to clean things up in my mouth.

I have gum disease. Also known as periodontal disease. Only I have it an extreme way. I have been too scared to get it looked at before it reached this point. Hindsight of course. I have a family history of dental issues from what I understand, I've had blood sugar issues, I had large and long term doses of steroids when I was sick five years ago, and I smoke. All of these are things that make gum disease worse. Only one of them I can control and that is happening soon. It's going to be the longest three weeks ever! We also have to begin the financial process. As frugal as I am, I can't make myself go through this awake which means a large amount of the cost is just putting me under.

Today is Easter Sunday and we all went to my moms for lunch. A reality check of sorts due to watching my mom smash potato salad into mush while trying to cut ham small enough for me to eat. I tried the ham but was not successfully able to chew today. Some days are better than others. I'm very careful hugging anyone since pressure on my face moves my teeth. I can't kiss anyone...my mother, my children, my boyfriend, or my granddaughter. Lily had bubbles but I couldn't make my mouth move to blow them. Smiling for pictures is nearly impossible today. Laughing is unthinkable but I did anyway. Mostly because when you get us all together, it's impossible not to. Now I'm miserable. Everything is hurting now. I think the pain today comes from the laughing, trying to chew, and holding my mouth in a way that feels protected.

It's been two weeks and some days were very bad, others were better. A week ago I had a really good day and got three meals in! It has been months since that has happened. Most days, one meal is all I manage because so much gets stuck that I fear trying again. I've gotten more vocal about what is happening to me. I have taken two photos to save for the after. Someone I know posted an article on Facebook months ago that has stuck with me...not in a good way. Yet in a way that makes writing this a good thing. I went to the dentist every six months as a kid. I had braces for two years. I never had a cavity before I became an adult. Never. Ask my Momma! However, when I became an adult and a parent, I remembered to take my kids to the dentist and put myself to the back of the list. It's what parents do...at least in a situation such as mine. Just enough money to pay the bills and never enough time in the day. I brush my teeth every day, most often in the past it was twice a day. I flossed. I am sure it was like every other person in the morning...  Stumble out of bed, brush your teeth, crawl into the shower, get dressed for work, go off and do your daily thing. At the end of the day, if I wasn't falling asleep on my feet, I brushed before I went to bed. Even today, when the pain from my tongue being scraped with every swallow, I brushed my teeth (as best I could) when I woke up this morning. I can't tell you how it came to be and at the end of the day, it shouldn't and doesn't matter. It is. Yet there are those who believe it is a complete lack of care of ones mouth that leads to this point. The only lack of care I have is a horrific fear of the dentist now which lead to not treating it from the beginning.

People have sympathy for those battling things they don't deserve. Illness of any kind is something no one should face. Yet no one talks about oral diseases because society on a whole believes it comes from a complete lack of health care on the individual's part. If you hear of someone with mouth cancer and they smoked, dipped, chewed, or whatever the case is, many feel that they shouldn't have brought that upon themselves. That they chose this path. Does that make them less sick? Less deserving of sympathy? I don't think so. I think I feel this way due to what I've heard from others. Here is a thought...health insurance is required by law now. Dental is not required. I personally do not have health insurance. Even when working, where it was not available, I did not purchase any. After viewing the cost of a health plan, figuring in the $20,000 deductible, the cost per month for the plan, and the fact that ultimately, going to the doctor would still be out of pocket, I chose to let the government hit me with the fine this year. Surprise...the government decided that I hit below poverty level, even with a job, and therefore I didn't owe them anything. I still haven't decided if I should be sad or happy about that. Yet again, the requirement of health insurance does not allow me a dental visit. If I did get a plan that covered an annual checkup, it still would not cover anything more than a cleaning. Welcome to America. I am white, educated, hold several medical certifications, and am about to put myself into an extreme amount of debt to be able to live. Yes, I said live. What I have been doing for the last several years is managing. I cannot eat bacon, steak, burritos, burgers, a loaded hot dog that drips chili and mustard, potato chips, salad...anything that requires chewing has been eliminated completely for the last four months or so. Previously, if I smashed it with a fork or cut it up, I could eat it with a fork. On certain bad days, I can't say my name. I can't do cartwheels or handstands for fear of hitting my mouth. I can no longer stick my tongue out, blow kisses, or sing along to the radio. I wake up in the middle of the night just to make sure nothing moved. I have nightmares about getting bumped, even by accident, and a tooth falling out. I am 36 years old and I am beyond devastated that in a week, I will wake up and probably be missing 3 or 4 teeth in the bottom front of my mouth. For months now, speaking to other people involves a hand in front of my mouth so no one can see. I don't smile in public which probably means most people think I am a bitch. At home, goofing off in the kitchen with Andy leads to jokes and giggling. I catch myself laughing and stop or put my hand up so he doesn't have to see. He and I want to learn to kayak. We've talked about camping and hiking. The problem now is, what would I eat. Currently my diet consists of mashed potatoes, rice, eggs, noodles, and occasionally chicken. Not really camping food huh? He is more optimistic than I am. Probably because he sees the good while I cannot get past the humiliation of being without teeth for 3-5 weeks. Three. To. Five. Weeks. That is how long they estimate for the infection to heal. For the gums to become healthy enough to support any type of replacement. IF the surgery is enough to allow healing. There is the possibility that it will need repeated. Which means several thousands more dollars. If the first surgery is successful, then it means several thousands of dollars for replacements. Again, welcome to America. All out of pocket, even if we had insurance, the cost would be high.

So this is the writing, diary of sorts, that I have spent the last few weeks working on.  I'm posting now to answer the questions, to open the door, to begin the process of refusing to allow societys beliefs to effect the rest of my life.  I have cried more in the last few weeks than I have ever cried. I have faced harder circumstances before this, with much support, and I am refusing to allow the opinions of others to cause me to cry more.  I know that before next Monday gets here, I will cry more...   I HAVE to do this.  I have to show my children that this step is the only option.  That I can't let peoples opinion guide me.  That doesn't mean I am not terrified.  I am.  Beyond any comprehension.  The rest......well, we will see....